Random Joke Thread

[Amatino]

For those who need a quick break to shake the cobwebs from their minds!

What do you call a 3-legged cow?

Lean beef

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An in-vest-i-gator

[Amatino]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”

[Amatino]

There’s two fish in a tank, and one says to the other “How do you drive this thing?”

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

[MyCottage]

I like puns. Not everyone does, but I do. That’s why I entered an online pun contest. I submitted ten puns that I thought were pretty darn good. How many won, you ask?

No pun in ten did.

[Sharyn]

Very punny

[Amatino]

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”

[Amatino]

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.

To all veterans, including my dad and my husband, thank you for your service.

To all families of veterans, thank you for your sacrifices.

To everyone else, Happy Memorial Day.

[Amatino]

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…
…not screaming like the passengers in his car.

[Amatino]

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

[Amatino]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

[Amatino]

It was closing time in Hollywood and a swanky hair salon was just about to lock up, when a sexy young thing turned up at the door. She explained that her regular stylist had a family emergency and she needed her hair styled for an important event that evening. It had been a slow week, so the stylist agreed to do her a favor. He settled her in a chair, went over her ideas, and politely requested she remove the wireless headphones she was wearing.
“Oh no,” she exclaimed, clutching at her head nervously. “I can’t take them off, or I’ll die!”

The stylist frowned. Surely nothing was that important that she had to listen to it right now? But she was adamant, the headphones stayed.

Gritting his teeth, he started work, but it was extremely frustrating trying to create an updo around the headphones. Eventually he ripped them off and tossed them aside, then lifted her hair into artfully styled ringlets above her head. Mere seconds later she clutched her throat, looked wild-eyed at him, her lips turned blue, and she crashed to the ground!

Horrified, the stylist started shaking her, then did the Heimlich, and finally CPR, but she wouldn’t come round. He dialed 911 and the medics tried everything, but had no luck and finally called time of death. She was zipped into a body bag, the police took his statement, and everyone disappeared in a whirl of red and blue lights.

Left alone in the silence, the stylist looked around in total shock. His gaze lit upon the headphones, kicked aside and forgotten in the hubbub. Frowning, he picked them up and studied them briefly, before fitting them over his head. Nothing. He pressed his hands around his ears and listened intently. After a moment he heard a soft, soothing voice repeating quietly
“Breathe in… breathe out… breathe in… breath out…”

[Amatino]

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*.

My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

[Amatino]

This will be my last one.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

Two penguins walk into a bar… which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets… then it hit me.

[Author]

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